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December 05, 2004
Family Tradition
A column in today's NYTimes is further evidence, as if we needed any, that its author ain't got the sense God gave a goose. Buried in her whining about the stressful Christmas season is this gem:
(In our traditional Irish household, women slaved and men were waited on.)
If one ever gave it any thought, this tradition isn't sexist at all. In fact, like many traditions, it has a very practical, pragmatic basis. In a primitive agrarian society, who does most of the work to feed the family?
The husband.
And if the primary breadwinner (literally) isn't well-fed, sickens and dies, what happens to the rest of the family? If there isn't a male child old enough to take his place in the fields, or the mother isn't able to find another man to replace him, the entire family will very likely die. Or at the very least, they will suffer substantial hardship to survive.
So taking care of your man, as my grandmother always called it, isn't sexist at all. It's a survival trait, left over from our pre-industrial days. Now you might argue that this tradition is no longer necessary, but traditions often persist long after their reason for existing. ***
Me, I think that the primary family supporter still deserves some FREAKING respect for what he does. So even though the necessity no longer exists, I will continue to follow the family tradition of serving Mike first. It's really no different than the way I expect him to always open doors for me. Traditions that reflect mutual respect between partners. That's what it's all about.
Maybe if Ms. Dowd understood that, she wouldn't be spending Christmas alone with her dog.
***I'm sure we all remember the story about the woman who always cut the end off her roast before putting it in the pan. Why? Because that's the way her mother always did it. Why did her mother do it? Because that's the way her mother always did it.
When questioned, the grandmother says "My roaster is small, so I always cut the end off the roast because that's the only way it will fit."
Posted by Rita at December 5, 2004 07:29 AM
Comments
I had never heard that story.
Posted by: Tig at December 5, 2004 01:19 PM
Without traditions, we are ungrounded. However, those with something other than shit for brains (this does not include Ms. Dowd) realize that as things change, traditions will change. In those households where the woman is the breadwinner (and that is becoming more frequent), any guy worth his salt should not object to the shifting roles.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at December 5, 2004 10:14 PM
100 years ago, 200 years ago, the quite literally backbreaking work of pushing a plow, harvesting with a scyth, and hunting was simply brutal. A man of 35 would look and seem quite old--and that's because he was.
Women of course had their own difficulties with very difficult and dangerous childbirth, which was why it was the man's job to protect her and provide for her.
Yes things change. But I'm glad more people--women especially--are sick of these generalizations about oppressed, enslaved women and dominating men. Yes, sure, there was some of that, but mostly I think the worst of those backward "back to the kitchen" arguments were a feature of the World War II generation, young boys coming home and getting married after the war and no one really being sure what the proper roles were in this new technological and prosperous society. So people were confused for a while, and sometimes reactionary. Then they adapted.
Can't that be good enough or do we still have to have with the stereotyping of our grandfathers and grandmothers? Yeesh.
Posted by: Dean Esmay at December 7, 2004 05:43 AM
You're absolutely correct Dean, though where I'm from, my grandfather's generation still harvested that way. It's a hard life on everyone.
My final epiphany came after my grandfather's death, when my grandmother cried out that no one could say that she hadn't done her job, that she hadn't taken good care of my grandfather. It dawned on me that she viewed that as her career....and the only acceptable career for a woman, since she didn't believe a woman should work outside the home. (Though eventually she grudgingly admitted that finances & changing times made that necessary.) A wife's primary responsibility is to take care of her family. On the flip side, it's also the husband's.
Nothing sexist about that.
Posted by: rita at December 7, 2004 06:06 AM
A wise man once told me that "Traditions are solutions to forgotten problems. Forget the tradition and the problem will usually reappear."
I've noticed that often the problem and the tradition are not obviously related to one another. The problem may also reappear in slightly changed form, adapted to the time and place.
Finding the relationship between broken traditions and life problems has occupied much of my adult life. Having lived a very non-traditional life, I had to deal with a lot of issues that have been resolved by re-adopting some of the traditions I was taught as a child.
Life is good.
Posted by: Mike S at December 7, 2004 09:20 PM